My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
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If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.