SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
You Might Also Like
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.