[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
You Might Also Like
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.