if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
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Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
The pen is writier than the sword.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok