Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
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Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.