Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
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Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
i wish we could shoplift online
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph