🤣😠I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
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Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I hope this email finds you in a well
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.