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Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…