Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
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Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Yup.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
channeling her this year
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
how to have an accident 101
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.