The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
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To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning