Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
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What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
bury ourselves
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter