Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
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my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
all that yoga finally paid off
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”