Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
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My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]