I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
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Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
OMG 🤣🤣
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs