scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
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When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.