-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
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My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Wednesday
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.