Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
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waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Lunatics are gonna loon.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
A choir of Spring onions
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.