“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Watermelon Boss!
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..