I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
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Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
There’s never enough good news
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.