Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
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Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I was just discussing this with my cat
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter