Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
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Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.