“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
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Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!