NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
You Might Also Like
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate