Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
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Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.