my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
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ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”