[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
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This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Stop it! 😂
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.