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10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Ah yes. The three genders
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that