Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
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Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Good dog. ❤️
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like