Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
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Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
If you know, you know
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.