I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
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[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.