SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
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Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
This is sending me to another galaxy
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
i dont have time for this
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]