I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
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I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
My blood type is b hungry.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.