It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
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Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
When you kidnap a writer.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot