Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
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I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Cat is stressing him out.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh