Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
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Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
everyone has that one prude friend
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.