Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
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I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
For the ones in the back.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.