{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
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Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?