For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
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me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board