If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
You Might Also Like
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”