do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
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Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Boating season is upon us.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”