Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
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ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*