GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
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Born to be mild.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper