[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
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Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
🚲+physics = winner
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
True freaking story!
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage