i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
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you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Story of my life…..
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.