Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
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Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Snapes on a plane.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad