I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
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Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.