My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
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[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.