Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
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Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?