If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
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my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
first you must answer his riddles
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?