It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
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i will avenge u mr van gogh
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.